My Story: Annoyed to the Truth

  When I was 17 I thought of becoming a nun.  My reasons were strange.  It was not about a profound love of God, or even a knowledge of God.  It was about having no interest in the world.  I had absolutely zero interest in "higher education", getting a job, relationships, having kids or doing anything normal people do.  It was my deep love of solitude that attracted me to the idea of monastery life.  I didn't really know the difference between a Buddhist, or a Catholic monastery.  To me, it was all solitude and God was a presence encountered in solitude.  Lucky for me, God threw health issues at me to keep me occupied and away from thoughts of resigning from worldly life.  These health issues required attention.  I couldn't just ignore them and go on to live an ascetic life.. or, what I thought was an ascetic life (more on that later).  I explored all avenues of nutrition and natural healing modalities.  I studied herbs, homeopathy, tried acupuncture, Chinese medicine, chiropractic, osteopathy, bioelectric acupuncture, vegan, macrobiotic, rawfoods detox.. You name it I tried it.     Simultaneously, I studied all manner of Eastern philosophy, Buddhism, Zen, I Ching, practiced yoga (way before Madonna revolutionized it), read Living Buddha Living Christ, explored all manner of New Age thought.  Owned Eckhart Tolle tapes.. yes tapes, dated a guy who studied under Eckhart Tolle and made Eckhart Tolle his religion, attended metaphysical expos, got my aura read, sought advice from clairvoyants, went to angel seminars, dream workshops, got my "energy healed", went to Buddhist meditations, placed crystals on my chakras, meditated on "Christ" streams of consciousness (these had nothing to do with Christ), tried to astral project, took psychedelics, went through Landmark Education where I paid good money to learn that I am God, I control my destiny and to be encouraged to follow my passion, of which I could think of none.  Buddhism teaches non attatchement from passion and desire.  That was easy for me!  Chase passion.. I argued?  I attended three weeks at Optimal Health institute where I ate nothing but sprouts and juice fasted.  I received wheatgrass colonics... I mean, I explored it ALL.  I was seeking truth in health and truth in general, although I leaned heavy on Buddhist philosophy which teaches not to think, or strive for things.  It really emphasizes detachment (which I already had too much of) and embracing emptiness.  I went on like this, embracing emptiness for a long time (over a decade).  My mom had a religious rebirth, and started annoying me with talk of the Bible.  Anyone relate? ;;-).  I fought her.  We debated.  I'm a good debater, not because I throw the toughest punches, but because I throw the ones you don't expect.  She ultimately won because her argument was true, and unbeknownst to me, mine wasn't!  Truth always wins eventually.  She argued: Christ the savior of the world who ONLY saves those who believe on him, that he is the only way.  I argued: there are many ways.  Christ is a stream of consciousness.  God is in everything and everything is God.  She persisted in annoying me with movies, books and debates.  One day I was like 'ok God of the Bible.  If you're other than I think you are, and Jesus is the ONLY way and whoever doesn't believe in him is in fact condemned already, then make yourself real to me.'  I figured, I'd been knocking on Buddha's door for over a decade and he NEVER answered!  Not to mention, looking back, the emptiness was exactly what it sounds like... empty!  I felt a presence when I talked to God.  A convicting presence even, but I was a hard headed, heavily swayed in thought bull. Buddhism is an alluring copout religion because it's easy, requires nothing of you, and you can put as much or as little into it without any penalty.  You are basically God in training (they don't use that language, but looking back that's basically what it suggests).  You basically seek self realization until you realise that you are God, even if it takes lifetimes.  Christianity is the opposite.  You humble yourself before God, and He shows up pretty much immediately.     I had long given up the idea that dreams had any meaning.  I thought they were irrelevant and nonsensical. Shortly after that prayer I had a series of dreams, which were convicting and scary.  I knew it was God, and he was warning me that the path I was on was no good.  Basically, he was confirming that yes, He is other than I imagined.  I decided to read some of the Bible.  I started at the end, Revelation.  It freaked me out.  It was sobering and depressing.  This was 2011.  Life went on and I didn't pick up the Bible again until 2012, at the prodding of my mom.  She really wanted me to read it, and I wanted her to exercise, so we made a deal.  I would read if she would exercise for 30 days.  Boom.  She wanted me to read the New Testament but I objected.  I needed the whole story.  Not just the little pieces I'd heard here and there throughout my life that made no sense whatsoever.  I decided to listen to the OT on audio (Bible in 90 Days) because my lukewarm attention span found it difficult to read.  I listened and listened and listened... it's very long;-). I took notes the whole time, because I'm the type of person who is very thorough and needs to understand things from beginning to end.  I am like this in EVERY area.  Anyone who knows me knows this.  I'm also forgetful when it comes to names and numbers which the OT is heavy on.  I made it most of the way through the OT at this time.  My life was thrown into complete chaos at this period in my life.  The only way I can describe it looking back, is that I was being spiritually and emotionally exorcised.  It involved incredible strains on my relationship(s), entertaining alcoholics, drug addicts, theives and murderers, a house renovation turned chaotic money pit, everything that could break broke, family health and mental issues, finances, misunderstandings and drama with in laws.  A crazy divorce in which we all feared for our lives (not mine).  I know this is vague, but I kid you not, it was rough.  I kept thinking.. is God testing me?  It felt like he was throwing me around on some insane amusement park ride.  I guess this was his way of drawing me in and saying "come closer".  We moved out of necessity in 2013 and I finished the Bible.. yay!  Then I had more dreams, which helped guide and lead me in understanding of the scriptures.  I studied and studied and studied... I felt I had a lot of catching up to do having spent most of my life walking sideways down every wrong path imaginable.  The dreams from God are specific and eye opening.  They urged me to look here, and be cautious of that.  I honestly think God has to use dreams to speak to me because the only time I'm relaxed enough to hear him is when my conscious mind is shut off.  But he uses that avenue, and I am thankful.  He also utilizes my spiritual gut.  When something seems off or just not right, my gut signals me and I investigate.  I go through every doctrine this way.  My stomach gets a workout.  I think with my stomach.  Everything gets filtered through my stomach.  Some people think I'm talking about intuition.  I've always been "intuitive", but this is different.  

  Anyway, before I read the Bible I thought there were a lot of Christians.  After I read the Bible I wondered if there were any.  This is how profoundly eye opening the Bible is, and the reason I always encourage people to READ it!  The God that I read about in the Bible was SO different than the picture churchianity gives you.  I didn't want to criticize people, and criticize the churches, but this is God we're talking about!  This is important!  This is truth!  It's life or death.  When I look at the church, I see good, loving people, who kinda sorta care about God.  Kinda sorta care about truth.  Kinda sorta believe he will return someday and that his word is alive and active.  Kinda sorta... really?  Wow... I'm still trying to process this phenomenon, but regardless of what the flock does or doesn't do, I'm charging forward toward the truth that is narrow and knowing full well why few find it.  They don't even look!  

To this day, I have little interest in the world, and tremendous interest in truth.  Research is my life.  Once in a while family and friends force me to get out of my mind and have "fun" (love you guys).  My mom and I continue our debates, as there is a lot to discuss and ponder both within the Biblical sphere and the sphere of conspiracy (Satan's dominion).  We are all susceptible to deception, especially if we have not yet discovered the basic truth which is the reality that God is specific.  He is not subject to our imaginations.  He is real he is alive, and this is His world.  

I hope this story engages you, annoys you, pokes and prods you to seek higher understanding from above.

*In all honesty, I don't think I would have actually become of nun.  But I thank God he didn't allow me to make that fateful decision, especially knowing what I now know about the Catholic Church and what they do to nuns!  Sometimes we don't understand why we have the issues we have in our lives, but God does.  We need to trust that.  

*Sidenote about the house I lived in is that I actually bought it from a really nice hippy family thinking it had good energy.  They were environmentally friendly, non toxic naturalists who had this huge shrine in one of their bedrooms with all of the new age "ascended masters", Buddha, Krishna, incense, crystals.. you know.  I was still coming out of this stuff so it didn't bother me, and I still saw it as "good energy".  Well.. sometimes "good energy" can turn bad really fast.  I still wonder if the "energies" (spirits) in the house were literally being exorcised when I brought the Bible into the picture.  When I really started reading it and getting into it.  They put up a good fight, but LOST.

Disappointment of Gungor and a Dream

Last Thursday evening I went to Centennial to see a Gungor concert.  At one time Gungor was my favorite Christian band.  I knew they were doing some strange new things, but quite honestly, if you were looking for God at that concert.. he wasn't there.  It was weird.  It was sad.  It was disturbing, but what surprizes these days right?  Another Christian artist bites the dust.  Scratch them off the list.  

  That night we stayed in Centennial and I had this dream.  Rob and I were running barefoot with these 3 gallon water jugs.  I don't know where we were running to.  It seemed like we were on 37th St in Evans, between the 7-11 and my old house.  We went into a building that reminded me of the Atrium on Stuart St. In Fort Collins.  Inside the building we sat in waiting chairs.  I could see men in rooms with glass windows.  Like looking at people playing raquet ball.  The men in the rooms weren't playing raquet ball.  They were venting anger.  They were screaming, cussing, slamming the windows.  I heard and saw one man specifically.  He was spitting hatred while talking about Jihad.  I felt like he was looking right at me while spewing all manner of profanities.  I told Rob I needed to go soon because I felt like like a target as a Christian.  Like a cat in a room full of vicsious dogs.  I had a big wad of cash in my hand.  I stood up and just as I stood up the door to the room opened.  I sat down trying not to look obvious.  I thought of putting the cash in my pocket, but again didn't want to look obvious.  He comes up beside me (wearing all white garb and a white turbine).  He says "we're going to need to take your money, thank you".  In a very matter of fact way.  Surprizingly I pushed him away with my foot, and said why can't you just have a little bit?  I handed him some of the cash.  He was a big man and he was leaning all over me.  Next thing I knew I ran out, and was booking it, still barefoot.  I was glad I still had the cash because I didn't seem to have any other possessions.  Not even shoes!  

The Perfect Church: Music

So.. I've never been a super "churchie" person as an adult.  Growing up, I went to a Luthern school and church early on.  Later, we moved, enrolled in public school (not my choice) and stopped going to church all together.  Some of my new neighbors attended church, and they always welcomed all the kids in the neighborhood to join, so my good friend Kaydee and I went once in a while.  It was a Baptist church.  I had many different friends growing up and would often accompany them and their family to church on Sundays.  I remember all different kinds of churches, including Catholic, and I enjoyed them all.  I remember the old buildings, the smell of coffee and the calm reverent atmosphere that usually pervaded a church.  I remember Bibles and hymn books in the pews and singing out of those books to a piano, organ or choir.  As a teenager, I definitely explored my rebellious side and attended concerts almost every weekend.  I've always had a profound love for good music, and a discerning ear.  Good music has the power to move, enhance, transcend, uplift, acknowledge, comfort and even educate (for better or worse;-)  After many years of concert going and music worshipping, I stepped back.  I really didn't know who I was.  I went through a depression.  My health was suffering.  I would say, this period was the dark night of my soul, and it lasted way too long.  I couldn't even function in the normal world because I was obsessed with understanding myself, the reason for existence and I was searching the different alternative healing paths.  During this time, my sister and brother in law invited us to their church in Fort Collins.  I believe it was Faith Evangelical Free church.  They really thought I would like the contemporary music (loud rock bands with amplification) that was just being introduced into the churches.  I was receptive at the time, because I was somewhat lost, but I found it somewhat overwhelming and had no desire to go back.  If they thought that was anything like the music I was used to dancing to all night they were way off;-)  Anyway, 10 or so years later, here I am finally an actual Christian.  By the way, I am not a Christian because of any church influence, doctrine, the simple gospel or anything of that nature.  I became a Christian after hearing about the book Heaven is for Real, reading Akiane Kremaric's book, watching Foolishness-the Skate Bible, LONG lectures and annoying (at the time) debates with my mom, and at last, READING THE BIBLE.  Even though I had been an on and off church goer throughout my life, that never did it for me.  In some ways, looking back, I feel like all of the endless activities of the churches were distractions for me.  I know the churches try to create that family atmosphere, but a lot of those activities are pretty mindless and silly.  This brings us to today.  I'm still an on and off church goer.  Since it wasn't the church that brought me to God, the church is kind of in the background for me.  BUT, recently I've been reminded of the importance of joining together with other believers.  The churches are often involved in good causes and it's good to be a part of those things (as long as they're meaningful).  

This brings us to the topic at hand.  Which church?  I have profound issues with so many things about the churches.  For instance, the fact that they celebrate the pagan holidays.  This is HUGE for me.  It doesn't take high spiritual discernment to know these holidays are pagan based.  Why do we keep them pagan?  Why not admit that Jesus birth date is, was, and shall remain a mystery instead of celebrating it with the pagan traditions of Saturnalia?  Why confuse the resurrection of Jesus at Passover with the pagan fertility traditions of Ishtar (Easter)?  Why try and justify Halloween?  It is a Satanic holiday, and the fact that the Catholic Church tried to play it off as holy is a perversion of truth.  Protestants ALL continue to promote these lies as truth.  Deep breath...

Second.. I loath contemporary worship music.  That's not to say that I dispise all modern Christian music.  There are a few artists here and there, a few songs here and there that I can qualify as edifying.  I think there is a large group of believers who prefer the contemporary concert style setting of Christian worship music, as evidenced by it's prevalence in the churches, but there are those of us, and I can see it on the faces and body gestures of those like myself who loath every second of it, praying for it to be over.  The thoughts in my head: Please God, let this be the last song, I can't go on, this is torture.  Now, pastors like to address the issue of people complaining about the music as such.  1)  It's not about the music.  It's about worshipping God.  My response:  If it's not about the music then why did nearly every church across America invest hundreds of thousands (I'm guessing it's in the millions) in electric music, sound boards, amplification, acoustics... (fyi: as a music person I can tell you this stuff is exPENsive!) in the early 2000's?  If it's not about the music, why is it ALWAYS contemporary Christian pop/rock and not, say Christian rap, jazz, metal, folk, bluegrass or country?  If it's not about the music, then why did it ever change in the first place?  Was it to attract more people to the church by becoming more secular?  Or was it that a lot of people were expressing concerns and complaints about wanting a different kind of music in the church?  Does the new music allow these listeners to get more "into" worship?  This brings me to numero 2)  They guilt you.  If you don't like it, it is dishonoring to God.  There's something wrong in your heart.  You should want to worship.  My response:  I really struggled with this.  Is there something wrong with me?  Should I be enjoying this?  Is it possible to enjoy this?  Short answer, for me: no!  

I was introduced to the music of The Brilliance.  I loved it.  I thought.  Why do I love this and hate other Christian music?  There is a reason, and that is that not all music is created equally;;-)  Some music is really music and some music just sucks.  Of course, this is relative to the listener.  Another thing about me.  I like REAL.  Real people, Real music with Real instruments, Real authentic prayer, Real food, Real truth,  Realness on every level.  I also want a Real God.  I want the Ancient, Holy, Everlasting, Never Changing, God of the Bible.  Not the commercial, corny, silly, watered down God that is often portrayed.  I don't need a God relevant to modern society.  I want God as he was, is and will be forever.  Music expresses so many things on so many levels.  It is impossible to grasp the entirety of it's influence on the listener.  Music speaks telepathically in ways we understand without words.  Music is important, and for me, the music spoken to and representing God is as important as the message spoken in the sermon.    

So anyway, there is a solution.. to the music problem anyway.  Hurray!  I need to go to the traditional service.  Many churches still offer a traditional service. TG for the traditional service!  I like pianos and organs and choirs and orchestral music.  I love old things, vintage things, ancient things.  I love the sound of an old, unpolished, rusty piano.  These sounds speak to my heart.  I don't have to resist them.  I don't have to pretend I don't hate them.  I can love them.  Is it about me?  No.  But it's about being real.  Being honest.  People seem to have many definition of religion.  Everyone seems to have a bad connotation of the word.  For me, "religion" is doing things other people think you should do, even though your heart hates them.  It's doing things not out of your heart.  Doing things begrudgingly.  So, if worship through music is important, loving the music is also important.  Amen?  Sigh... ... A messianic or Hebrew roots teaching church is ultimately what I'm looking for, but I guess I'll just have to wait to have it ALL.  

Ps.  It is not my intention to speak against modern music, and if anyone truly loves that style of music, my opinion shouldn't dull their experience of it.  As my husband says "you're the opposite of everyone".  It's true.  But there is always a little remnant group of fellow opposites.  Those are my peeps I guess;-)  Carry on!

The Brilliance: Prayers of the People

Pps.. It's also worth mentioning that there's a lot of Christian music I do like.  All different styles even.  I just don't like that the church bands attempt to mimic the original, but usually end up sounding really really bad.  Like when your 10 year old begins violin lessons bad.  Like the worst cover band ever with the most amplification ever bad.  I'm going to stop here..

I Wonder When Noah Gave Up

  I've had two recurring thoughts lately.  The first is, when did man give up on God?  The second, is based on my cynical/reality based interpretation of the world.  That is, I wonder at what point Noah gave up on the people?  The arc took Noah100 years to build.  People assume he was preaching to the people around him, although there's no Biblical evidence to prove this.  I think we just assume that, because Noah spoke with God, and knew the fate of the world, that he would've tried to warn people, but NOBODY listened.  Not one.  At what point do you think he just said "screw em'"?  I mean, really?  There is a passage in Jeremiah where God tells Jeremiah not to even pray for these people!  They were beyond prayer or help!  That blows my mind, but at the same time, I can totally see why.  I feel like everyone is unreachable, unteachable  and untouchable these days.  I feel like Noah and his family.  I have 100% confidence in God's word, and it can't be shaken.  But the world?  The world is like the Pharoah of Egypt.  They need to be  humbled by the hand of God.  I've heard many Hebrew Roots teachers saying "warn Christians about not participating in Halloween, it's a pagan and a satanic holiday".  And I completely agree, but people just use this stuff as more ammo to hate God.  "God just doesn't want us to have fun".  It just makes them want to rebel further.  At least the Israelites repented of worshipping the golden calf when Moses rebuked them!  People today?  No hope.  So, I'm seeking God about this, and battling my inner cynic.  Is there hope for humanity?  It is up to Him... 

The truth of it is that I feel for anyone who doesn't have God in their life, but if they can't recognize that need there's little anyone can do to help them.  I might give up on the world, but I'll never give up on God.  Here is a link to my music mix on youtube  http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLfglOLiQStR7dDuFAw_vFRPmTZlXxx2O_

Further from them... closer to Him;-). 

Old Me.. New Me, Politics and Transformation

  Seven years ago I voted for president Obama.  I was SO excited.  I had a party to celebrate.  I had so much hope in the renewal of the world, the earth and humanity.  I used to hear republicans call Obama the antichrist (I didn't know anything about the antichrist) and thought they just hated good people.  I actually thought they hated everything that (I thought) was good.  Women's right to choose (abortion), climate change reform.  I thought they wanted to destroy the planet.  I bashed Fox news because I thought they were the only biased news channel, hah!  I thought they hated immigrants, homosexuals and poor people. I supported gun control, afterall guns kill people right?  I honestly didn't care if Obama was Christian or Muslim.  I thought, as long as he cares about the planet, I like him.  He defends the oppressed, believes in healthcare for all who need it.  He's just a good guy!  The old me would have hated the new me for questioning whether we should take Muslim immagrants.  To me, religion was religion and they all had the same goal.  I was clueless.  Never in my WILDEST dreams would I have thought I would change my views on any of these issues.  I mean, I considered myself to be a good person because I cared about the welfare of all people.  I was SO set in my beliefs about woman's right to choose I would flip off church protesters.  I'm not even kidding.  I actually flipped off church protesters at the church I now attend! Shhh.. don't tell them;;-). I was a HARD CORE leftist.  More of a democrat than a liberal though.  I never embraced the anarchic anything goes philosophy.  

  

   I'm not going to tell you that God flipped a switch in my hard headed head and suddenly I woke up conservative.  Being a Christian isn't about being a political conservative.  That's not what this post is about.  It is about God's ability to effect positive change in a person.  His ability to completey change your mind about things.  His ability to make you see things you never would have seen before.  His ability to transform.  Am I a finished masterpiece?  Far from it!!  I am a work in progress if ever there was one.  I'm not "there" but I'm getting there.  I still have a tendency toward anxiety.  I get extremly angry about certain things.  I admire people who can turn the other cheek, but I really want to stand and fight (especially with words).  I have a sharp tongue that is excruciatingly difficult to tame. I enjoy verbal swordplay a little too much.  I don't have any real enemies, but if I did could I love them truly?  I don't know.  He's working on me in those areas.  

 

  The fact is, is that the elections are coming up and I see things differently this time around.  Granted I'm not excited about any of the canididates, but my views are FAR from where they used to be.  I no longer see republicans as enemy and demacrats as friend.  I question everyone.  I question every issue, and see that it has two sides.  I would NEVER in a million years vote for an atheist, a potential Muslim, or a socialist!  I would never vote for a candidate who doesn't acknowledge the importance of supporting Israel as a basic tenet of survival for this country.  Even I am amazed at my thoughts!  I'm like.. really?  I'm thinking this now?  Crazy!  Left leaning readers probably see it as a change for the worse, and honestly, the old me gets it;-). I totally understand where you're coming from, because I just came from there.  

 

   The thing is though, that God's thoughts are not our thoughts, and his ways are not our ways.  When we tune into Him, he reprograms us.  He gives us new eyes and new ears to see and hear in ways we never thought possible, or probable.  I can't explain it.  My only mission is to point people to the truth, which lies in the Words of God.  The Bible.  The truth will set us all free, eventually.

Dream: Microchip

I had a dream about a week ago.  I was going to a new bible study.  As I was walking in I recognized a guy who was waiting for me.  I asked him "are you the hebrew roots guy"?  He kind of laughed at me and I smacked him on the arm (in a joking way) for making fun of me:-0. We went in, and were listening.  Next thing I remember was being in this room with an overweight Italian lady who was kissing me on the cheeks emphatically (picture a very expressive Italian lady?).  She almost smothered me.  When she was done I realized she had inserted something in my arm.  It was a microchip!  She told me if I took it out I would die.  I was panicked, knowing if I stayed I was with a psycho, and if I left I still had this microchip with no way to get it out.  I ran out the door.  Suddenly I was carrying my cat and running to my car.  I was in the country, and I was looking for a white Subaru.  A car I had for about two years after high school.  

When I woke up I thought it was weird that I was looking for a car I owned over a decade ago, but I was carrying my current cat?  I immediately thought about how the Antichrist will use flattery to get people to worship him and take the mark of the beast.  The fact that she was Italian made me think of the Pope, who is a very likely candidate for the false prophet.  The fact that the microchip was inserted without my knowledge or consent was VERY concerning.  Taking the "mark" is the most forbidden thing anyone can do.  I don't know what else to say. 

Be A Wall

  Every human is a universe within a universe.  All unique in perspective. Every day has a beginning and an end.  Every night is full of discovery.  Time moves shapes and shift the universal mirror, echoing endless possibilities within.  I have no time for grudges or enemies.  What a way to spend the mind!  The map in the stars points to the one vying for recognition.  His decress being difficult to percieve. Interpretations galore! He says "here I am"!  Speak to me now.  I am listening...

I've Seen the Future

  A lot of people are talking about September.  Ok, maybe not a lot of people, just a lot of people in the small circles I frequent.  There's talk from meteors to astroids, WWIII to the Psalm 84 war, Jesus second coming to the time of the anti-christ.  And for some reason it all seems to be hinging on or around September of this year.  Let's just say there's A LOT of speculation,






I've seen the future... but so did Leonard Cohen:

    "The Future"

Give me back my broken night 
my mirrored room, my secret life 
it's lonely here, 
there's no one left to torture 
Give me absolute control 
over every living soul 
And lie beside me, baby, 
that's an order! 
Give me crack and anal sex 
Take the only tree that's left 
and stuff it up the hole 
in your culture 
Give me back the Berlin wall 
give me Stalin and St Paul 
I've seen the future, brother: 
it is murder. 

Things are going to slide, slide in all directions 
Won't be nothing 
Nothing you can measure anymore 
The blizzard, the blizzard of the world 
has crossed the threshold 
and it has overturned 
the order of the soul 
When they said REPENT REPENT 
I wonder what they meant 
When they said REPENT REPENT 
I wonder what they meant 
When they said REPENT REPENT 
I wonder what they meant 

You don't know me from the wind 
you never will, you never did 
I'm the little jew 
who wrote the Bible 
I've seen the nations rise and fall 
I've heard their stories, heard them all 
but love's the only engine of survival 
Your servant here, he has been told 
to say it clear, to say it cold: 
It's over, it ain't going 
any further 
And now the wheels of heaven stop 
you feel the devil's riding crop 
Get ready for the future: 
it is murder 

Things are going to slide ... 

There'll be the breaking of the ancient 
western code 
Your private life will suddenly explode 
There'll be phantoms 
There'll be fires on the road 
and the white man dancing 
You'll see a woman 
hanging upside down 
her features covered by her fallen gown 
and all the lousy little poets 
coming round 
tryin' to sound like Charlie Manson 
and the white man dancin' 

Give me back the Berlin wall 
Give me Stalin and St Paul 
Give me Christ 
or give me Hiroshima 
Destroy another fetus now 
We don't like children anyhow 
I've seen the future, baby: 
it is murder 

Things are going to slide ... 

When they said REPENT REPENT ...

From Exodus to Revelation.. Moses to Messiah

  Hands down, one of my favorite stories in the Bible is the story of Moses.  I get excited just thinking about it.  This story is paramount to the Jewish faith and for good reason.  It is always referred to, and certain passages recited on Jewish feasts, holy days etc.  It's pretty important, and is the ultimate story revealing the protection, faithfulness and the mercy of God.  Throughout the story, God is using Moses not only to encourage the Israelites and build their faith, but to reach the Babylonians and show them who God is.  He doesn't have mercy on Pharoah and his army.  We can assume they were beyond his grace at the point they died in the sea.  I recommend reading the story for yourself here:  Exodus 3 through 20:25

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+3

  Jewish people tend to think their Messiah will be much like Moses, an annointed man of God who will lead them to safety, out of persecution and into a time of peace in the Millennial age.  They think the entire world will be led to the truth of the one true God, and we will all worship him in peace and harmony.  Sounds pretty good right?  There's one problem with this though, it's already been done!  See, they don't think their messiah will be a divine being.  They don't think he will be the son of God, or God himself.  Just another man anointed by God, like Moses.  Look at the state of the world today.  If what Moses accomplished had lasted, we wouldn't be in the state of darkness, violence, corruption and evil we're in today.  Even the Isaelites who were lead out of Egypt, who witnessed miracles from God, the parting of the sea, the love of God through his plagues (they were protected), they even heard Him speak (they were so terrified, they elected Moses to be the official interceder between them and God).  Even after all of this, they couldn't just believe God and follow his instructions and commandments.  If even the Isrealites couldn't do as God commands, how could anyone?

  This brings us to Jesus, the messiah they missed.  You see, the Jews were anticipating something/someone different than Jesus when he came.  The people relied on the priests and pharisees to determine what qualities to look for and expect in a messiah.  They had preconceived notions about what the prophets had alluded to in their fortellings of the messiah.  This is never good because God's ways aren't man's ways. His thoughts aren't our thoughts.  His clues and our interpretations don't always intersect.  Entertaining different possibilities and perspectives on His word is a GOOD idea.  We have to be open, awake, and listening for the voice of God to understand moment to moment.  We can't rely on the higher ups, the priests and "pharisees" to interpret God for us.  I love many of our preachers today, but I don't get caught up in one way of thinking.  God will always be ten steps ahead of our thinking.  Jesus wasn't a military man leading Jews out of persecution, saving them from their enemy (the Roman Empire), leading them to peace in the natural world and reigning as thier physical king. He was the ultimate sacrificial lamb, atoning for the sins of humanity, leading us out of darkness and the clutches of the enemy (the devil), sending his holy spirit to be our peace and ruling over the entire heavenly realm (there's more going on in the spiritual realm than we realize) as King of Kings, not just King of the Jews.  Jesus fulfilled many of the prophesies the first time around, and he will fulfill the rest the second time.  See how wild God is? He's insanely genius, and He will return... but probably not as we expect;-).  So let's be on our toes with anticipation and open to the brilliant manifestations and workings of God.  

The sermon at my church last weekend was really good and pertains to the Moses story, expecting the unexpected and listening for God...  It's the one from 8.02.15 entitled Joshua.  NOT the first one that pops up (Coming Home-which was by a newbie intern guy).

http://www.timberlinechurch.org/listen-watch/weekend


Additionally fitting, this song Future/Past by John Mark Mcmillon

End note: Moses and the Exodus are the past, but I think they are a foreshadow of our present and future, as we see Revelation playing out in our lives right NOW!  It is important to realize that even the prophets, speaking the very words of God didn't know exactly how things would look when they came to pass.  The major prophesies they prophesied didn't even come to pass in their lifetimes.  Many of them still haven't come to pass!  God only reveals as much as he wants to reveal and sometimes we just have to wait in faith until their revealing.  

Why Do Bad Things Happen?

   At some point in our lives I think every well meaning and good natured person asks why bad things happen to innocent people.  Some people like to use this question as ammunition against God, but without understanding of God, there is no wisdom.  Why is understanding God key to understanding life?  Because He created life.  His laws govern life. To go against this is to rebel against gravity.  Hint: it's not going to work.  Refer to the Tower of Babel.  Man says "we don't need God, we will build a tower to the heavens and be as Gods!".  God says "we'll see about that" boom, he confuses their language so they can't understand each other.  They scatter in their insufficiency and abandon the tower.  Man says "we don't need God, we'll find the cure for disease on our own".  God says "pssht, I'll give you more diseases than you can label, and not a cure will you find".  Man says "we don't need God.  We'll protect our own children".  God says "don't test me, i WILL teach you exactly what you need to know".  Bad things happen because man is defiant, and rebels against God.  Yes, this affects the innocent.  Jesus is the prime example: the innocent afflicted for the iniquity of man.  Jesus sacrifice offered our souls redemption, but he still allowed us free will to choose life or death.  He warns us again and again:

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live

Deuteronomy 30:19.  

He that loves discipline loves knowledge, and he that hates reproof is a fool.  

  Proverbs 12:1

  Is God not loving?  What is love?  Is love teaching your child discipline or giving them ice cream and Mcdonalds for every meal?  Which is more valuable?  Which is more useful down the road.  Which kind of love is your child going to grow up and thank you for?  Self gratification leads to dissatisfaction, struggles with weight, addiction and preventable disease.  Discipline leads to self control, satiation, health and the ability to see outside of ones own self imposed trap. You say "well, we're not children".  God says you are, and refers to you as such.  Do you not understand God's discipline?  Does your child understand when you put them in time out?  Maybe not the first time, or the second.  Depending on how defiant your child is, it might take 100 times, you might resort to something more extreme.  Eventually they understand cause and effect, but it's not until experience meets intellect that they truly get it.  This might be decades later!  By now you've probably forgotten the lesson, but your son/daughter is just getting it.  If it takes decades or millennia, God will wait.  You say "well, I just don't believe in a God that needs to be worshipped".  Again with the understanding.  I never understood this either, and frankly it ticked me off.  I've never worshipped anything in my life (aside from a segment of my life when I thought Jerry Garcia was God).  But I think any Grateful Dead  head acid trip will do that to an impressionable young teenager;-). Anyway... God warns us: 

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

Worship is a form of umbilical cord connecting us to God and protecting us from these forces.  Sometimes worship is just acknowledging God and knowing that he's in control.  Sometimes it's just gratitude to him that repels the darkness from our sight.  I believe worship is like the Sabbath.  Man was not made for the Sabbath, but the Sabbath for man.  It benefits us!  God doesn't NEED it.  The bottom line is that anger towards God about things we don't understand is an adolescent attitude.  Potentially even a Spirit of doubt that binds us in darkness. The only way to figure it out is to ask diligently and seek out God's word for wisdom.  Life is easier when we work with gravity instead of against it.  That's all for now!

 LOVE- I have a new obsession...

John Mark Mcmillan: Ten Thousand

John Mark Mcmillan- Counting On

God vs The World

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. 1 John 2:15-17

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.  Romans 12:2

See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.  Colossians 2:8

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.  Matthew 6:24

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.  Ephesians 5:11

In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.  2 Corinthians 4:4

You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.  James 4:4

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.  If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.  Remember what I told you: 'A servant is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also.  They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me.  

John 15: 18-21

Do not be surprised, brothers, that the world hates you. 1 John 3:13

For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world.  And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. 1 John 2:16

I have given them your word, and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world.  John 17:14

For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked.  Revelations 3:17

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.   James 1:27

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.  Ephesians 2

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men

Colossians 3:23

And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit

Ephesians 5:18

Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.

Matthew 10:16

A rant- then Let's Fly

One thing I'll never understand about people is their love affair with the superficial surface things in life.  They flee from a conversation with depth as if it were a swarm of wasps.  Preferring the strenuously boring safety of weather, sports, job updates, just the facts ma'am.  Borefest!   There's nothing more tiring for me than having to pull out the bag of "safe" questions to keep a dead conversation alive.  Like how's your family (I've never actually met), and how's your job going?

  People look at me crazy when I bring up world events that I believe could be fulfilling Bible prophecy and leading to the second coming of Jesus.  Can you imagine what the reality of this means?  It means that people are so content with this superficial, temporary life that they've given up on wondering why we're here, and the ultimate purpose of life.  They've given plenty of self imposed meaning to life, but they don't even try anymore.  Yesterday the google image was paying homage to the first women who went to space, somebody someonehymer.  The image was of a bunch of people floating up out of their seats.  To me it looked like the rapture, which was kind of exciting.  But the first women in space?  Is that supposed to be exciting by any stretch of the imagination?  Has anything exciting ever happened from our travels to space?  It's a bunch of dead planets with no oxygen.  Sorry, but that just doesn't do it for me.  I'm sleeping just thinking about it.  It's like thinking someday scientists are going to find the cure for something... (they haven't yet btw) and that excites people?  I just don't get it.  I guess I just wasn't made for here...

Let's Fly instead! 

Michael Gungor Band- Fly

Dream 3/?/15 -Sacrificial Love

My dreams are often prophetic, either in my personal life or in the bigger picture world scene.  Before my sister had her first child I had a dream of her at 3ish years old.  My sister was sick, and the exact details of the dream played out three years later.  Her daughter looked exactly as she did in my dream at three yrs old, curls and all.  My sister also had a major health scare at that time.

I've always dreamt about fights my husband and I would have ahead of time (lucky him;). 

  I rarely have nightmares or scary dreams but in March I had this dream:

I was in a big city on a bus or subway.  Demonic forces wanted my life.  They would seek me out of the crowds and try to grab me and strike me with a sword.  Everytime, they would nearly get me.  I would get off one bus and run to another, narrowly escaping death.  On one of the bus's was my current husband who had left me (in the dream).  He had become a slithering drunk.  He was no help whatsoever even though I was being severely attacked.  I got off that bus.  Onto another, and just as these demonic forces were about to kill me I woke up.  

Interpretation:  So, when I had this dream I thought my husband was sober (an ex alcoholic), but he wasn't.  He was just living a double life and lying to me everyday.  He was good too.  I'm a solid detective with supersonic senses, and while I did suspect things at times I let it go.  So, like a year and a half goes by when suddenly I discover he's been lying and drinking the whole time.  The fact that he "left me" in the dream and became a drunk probably meant that he left me emotionally (by sneaking around) and drinking.  Now, I understand lying and addiction go hand in hand.  But when you're married to an addict, life is crazy.  You don't have trust in your relationship.  That's right, a relationship without trust?  How can you do it?  I don't know!  I've been trying to figure that out;-).  Is this dream about the demons involved in this scenario?  Is it a warning dream to me?  I know our society paints this picture of everyone deserving so much more in relationships. And you need trust to survive, and once he "breaks" you he can never "fix" you.  But, I don't need my husband to "fix" me.  Whatever happened to selfless love?  What about loving the way Jesus did?  Sacrificial love.  Yes, this is a sacrificial love.  One that's aiming to kill me!  But it won't...

  Perhaps, the enemy is attacking my husband because his faith is weak.  Maybe he's using his weak faith to try and dismantle mine.  But guess what?  He doesn't know what's coming... 

Dream 5/17/15- Star of David

 I had a dream last night that seems significant.  I don't know exactly what it means but it's obviously very symbolic.  As a disclaimer, I hadn't previously known much about the star of David or the Islamic crescent moon symbol.  Looking it up will reveal a lot of diffent ideas, but in general I think we can assume the star of David represents Israel (the people, Israel, not just the country) and the crescent represents Islam.

Begin dream:  I am on a white boat by myself.  It's very sturdy, built like a sailboat, but there's no sails.  It has the power and speed of a motor boat, but there is no motor.  The boat is supernaturally propelling me across a large body of water.  I got the feeling a shark was chasing us (I say "us" because the Spirit of God was with me).  We got to the other side.  I switched sides of the boat and it propelled me back.  When it landed on the shore it landed me amongst a group of people I knew were Muslim.  One lady began to tell me how much money she would have to spend on fuel for her boat to get across the water and back.  I began to tell her about my boat, that required no fuel and got me across  and back in less than 30 minutes! She was listening, then all of a sudden in the darkening sky we all saw the star of David.  It was very large, and lit up like it was formed by other stars.  At the bottom right tip of the star was a small cresent, much like the Islamic symbol.  Usually their symbol is a large crescent and a little star at the bottom or in the middle.

 This was a huge star with a little crescent dangling off the bottom (I couldn't find an image like that).

The scene changed, and I was in a hotel (which felt like my house) and I was telling my sister about the star in the sky.  I pointed out the window and the star was even bigger!  It was ridiculously huge and I was like omg!  Look at it, it's huge!  But she wasn't interested.  She seemed distracted.  Like she was getting ready to go somewhere and this didn't really matter.  I was in shock at her non chalance.  Then I woke up.

They said to him, “We have had dreams, and there is no one to interpret them.” And Joseph said to them, “Do not interpretations belong to God? Please tell them to me.” Genesis 40:8

   I can only make stabs at the meaning of this dream.  God has not revealed the absolute interpretation:

 My sister represents the world, too busy with their own lives to see the signs in the heavens.  The hotel feeling like my house symbolizing my temporary residence on this Earth. I am on a boat propelled supernaturally by God because I believe in the Y'shua the Messiah.  Muslims are struggling without the truth or the real MESSIAH, BUT their symbol is in the sky, attatched to God's symbol.  He cares about them and he's sending me (representing a believer in Messiach)  to give them the gift of supernatural fuel, which is the truth?  Or is it a shift in powers?  

5/20/15- Clarification of interpretation:

For believers in Y'shua, our time seems short we're spreading the word in our last 15 minutes on this Earth.  For Jews and Muslims there is a journey ahead (I can only assume it's not going to be a pretty one), but on the horizon we will clearly see who dominates- God's chosen.  It will be clear to all.

 

As I was looking up symbols and meanings.. I stumbled across this dream.  Wow!   http://www.sparrowsbarn.com/h-43-heaven-dream-xliii

The Brilliance- Open Up

The Testimony

Back in 2011, this spoke to me.  I've come a long way since then, but to believe is to begin. A lot of people are here.  Deciphering the cost of a leap of faith.  I can only tell you from my personal experience that NOTHING in my previous life compares, or meant anything of true and lasting value...

Shavuot-Pentacost May 23-24th 2015

"I invoke heaven and Earth as reliable witnesses."

"May the bridegroom rejoice with the bride whom He has taken as His lot and may the bride rejoice with the husband of her youth while uttering words of praise."

Shavuot, otherwise known as Pentacost or Feast of Weeks is writhing with meaning, clues, shadows and types.  It is oozing with what in the world is happening here?  Is this speaking of the rapture or what?  I'm not saying it is, but this is imperative info that every Christian should be hip to in my opinion.  Sure, Pentacost was the the day God released the holy spirit on anyone who would believe, but what did it mean in the past, and how does the significance of all that we now know about Shavuot/Pentacost tie into the future?  

This article is strictly from a Jewish perspective and talks of the element of Marriage and Shavuot.

http://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/the-shavuot-marriage-contract/3/http://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/the-shavuot-marriage-contract/3/

This one goes into more detail:
http://www.hebrew4christians.com/Holidays/Spring_Holidays/Shavuot/shavuot.html

True Believer

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her … I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion." (Hosea 2:14,19)

Come wayward bride!  Understand fate.  Observe the shallow shores upon which you dwell in restless confinement.  You who romanticize sin and cleave to it's grasp. Seek now, the one who humbly whispers from the deep. Purge darkness from your hearts.  Set your minds on heavenly sights.  Soon, the coming greatness shall descend upon the watchmen.  Who will he find waiting?

Brooke Fraser- C.S. Lewis Song

I hope there's a lot I don't know.  

Seek find express

Seek find express

Digress...

Seek find express

Seek find express

Digress...

What is necessary

Oh God

What are the boundries

Of your creation

What is the purpose 

Of your vision

To contain 

To liberate 

To reflect

What are the perametors

Of your light

The end is the beginning

  Perspective is everything.  For it to be the end of the world as we know it, is the most amazing thing that has ever happened.  Some people think it's fear talk, but those who wait for this and dream of it are not afraid.  Gods will be done!  The sooner the better...

Wake up oh sleepers

From the dead world

Wake up you sleepers

In your graves

Wake up oh sleepers marching 

Valiently to the clay

Today he whispers

Tomorrow he shouts

Wake up oh lovers

This is your time

To announce

Hope

Like a rope

To save

Wake up you rivers

And wake up the winds

Wake up faithful sun 

It begins

Ecoute- The beauty of change

Do you ever find yourself deeply immersed in something, inspired, rearing to go, making elaborate plans.  You think, I love this moment, the way I feel in it.  Maybe it will last.. forever.  Only to be getting over it before it's even over. You can see it leaving.  It's on it's way out, and you want to call it back, invite it to stay. You're holding on to it, knowing this is the pattern of your life, and potentially life itself.  You think about people you've known who have continued to live in a phase and you wonder how.  You've always just been passing through.  When you exit yet another realm of created self you wipe off the clutter of sight and sound.  You become quiet, clean and simple again.  You were a painting being made, and now you're a blank canvas again.  It was a beautiful picture.  You loved it's ethereal hues and poetic curvature.  The way the light danced through the wind and flowed through your hair.  The sounds of heaven rang in such a way, but as all things, we are being created every moment, every second.  If we're honest we can never stop being created.  We can never live in a moment too long, or it will begin to burn.  Like the brilliance of spring sun, summer sun lies heavy and thick.  We become cautious and seek shade and solace, which leads to other and new ventures.  We look back, usually only remembering the good in every moment, nomatter how bad it seemed sometimes.  It amazes me.  It comes as no surprise, that we move on, everytime, growing through, owning nothing, becoming all the things that are still unknown.