My Story: Annoyed to the Truth

  When I was 17 I thought of becoming a nun.  My reasons were strange.  It was not about a profound love of God, or even a knowledge of God.  It was about having no interest in the world.  I had absolutely zero interest in "higher education", getting a job, relationships, having kids or doing anything normal people do.  It was my deep love of solitude that attracted me to the idea of monastery life.  I didn't really know the difference between a Buddhist, or a Catholic monastery.  To me, it was all solitude and God was a presence encountered in solitude.  Lucky for me, God threw health issues at me to keep me occupied and away from thoughts of resigning from worldly life.  These health issues required attention.  I couldn't just ignore them and go on to live an ascetic life.. or, what I thought was an ascetic life (more on that later).  I explored all avenues of nutrition and natural healing modalities.  I studied herbs, homeopathy, tried acupuncture, Chinese medicine, chiropractic, osteopathy, bioelectric acupuncture, vegan, macrobiotic, rawfoods detox.. You name it I tried it.     Simultaneously, I studied all manner of Eastern philosophy, Buddhism, Zen, I Ching, practiced yoga (way before Madonna revolutionized it), read Living Buddha Living Christ, explored all manner of New Age thought.  Owned Eckhart Tolle tapes.. yes tapes, dated a guy who studied under Eckhart Tolle and made Eckhart Tolle his religion, attended metaphysical expos, got my aura read, sought advice from clairvoyants, went to angel seminars, dream workshops, got my "energy healed", went to Buddhist meditations, placed crystals on my chakras, meditated on "Christ" streams of consciousness (these had nothing to do with Christ), tried to astral project, took psychedelics, went through Landmark Education where I paid good money to learn that I am God, I control my destiny and to be encouraged to follow my passion, of which I could think of none.  Buddhism teaches non attatchement from passion and desire.  That was easy for me!  Chase passion.. I argued?  I attended three weeks at Optimal Health institute where I ate nothing but sprouts and juice fasted.  I received wheatgrass colonics... I mean, I explored it ALL.  I was seeking truth in health and truth in general, although I leaned heavy on Buddhist philosophy which teaches not to think, or strive for things.  It really emphasizes detachment (which I already had too much of) and embracing emptiness.  I went on like this, embracing emptiness for a long time (over a decade).  My mom had a religious rebirth, and started annoying me with talk of the Bible.  Anyone relate? ;;-).  I fought her.  We debated.  I'm a good debater, not because I throw the toughest punches, but because I throw the ones you don't expect.  She ultimately won because her argument was true, and unbeknownst to me, mine wasn't!  Truth always wins eventually.  She argued: Christ the savior of the world who ONLY saves those who believe on him, that he is the only way.  I argued: there are many ways.  Christ is a stream of consciousness.  God is in everything and everything is God.  She persisted in annoying me with movies, books and debates.  One day I was like 'ok God of the Bible.  If you're other than I think you are, and Jesus is the ONLY way and whoever doesn't believe in him is in fact condemned already, then make yourself real to me.'  I figured, I'd been knocking on Buddha's door for over a decade and he NEVER answered!  Not to mention, looking back, the emptiness was exactly what it sounds like... empty!  I felt a presence when I talked to God.  A convicting presence even, but I was a hard headed, heavily swayed in thought bull. Buddhism is an alluring copout religion because it's easy, requires nothing of you, and you can put as much or as little into it without any penalty.  You are basically God in training (they don't use that language, but looking back that's basically what it suggests).  You basically seek self realization until you realise that you are God, even if it takes lifetimes.  Christianity is the opposite.  You humble yourself before God, and He shows up pretty much immediately.     I had long given up the idea that dreams had any meaning.  I thought they were irrelevant and nonsensical. Shortly after that prayer I had a series of dreams, which were convicting and scary.  I knew it was God, and he was warning me that the path I was on was no good.  Basically, he was confirming that yes, He is other than I imagined.  I decided to read some of the Bible.  I started at the end, Revelation.  It freaked me out.  It was sobering and depressing.  This was 2011.  Life went on and I didn't pick up the Bible again until 2012, at the prodding of my mom.  She really wanted me to read it, and I wanted her to exercise, so we made a deal.  I would read if she would exercise for 30 days.  Boom.  She wanted me to read the New Testament but I objected.  I needed the whole story.  Not just the little pieces I'd heard here and there throughout my life that made no sense whatsoever.  I decided to listen to the OT on audio (Bible in 90 Days) because my lukewarm attention span found it difficult to read.  I listened and listened and listened... it's very long;-). I took notes the whole time, because I'm the type of person who is very thorough and needs to understand things from beginning to end.  I am like this in EVERY area.  Anyone who knows me knows this.  I'm also forgetful when it comes to names and numbers which the OT is heavy on.  I made it most of the way through the OT at this time.  My life was thrown into complete chaos at this period in my life.  The only way I can describe it looking back, is that I was being spiritually and emotionally exorcised.  It involved incredible strains on my relationship(s), entertaining alcoholics, drug addicts, theives and murderers, a house renovation turned chaotic money pit, everything that could break broke, family health and mental issues, finances, misunderstandings and drama with in laws.  A crazy divorce in which we all feared for our lives (not mine).  I know this is vague, but I kid you not, it was rough.  I kept thinking.. is God testing me?  It felt like he was throwing me around on some insane amusement park ride.  I guess this was his way of drawing me in and saying "come closer".  We moved out of necessity in 2013 and I finished the Bible.. yay!  Then I had more dreams, which helped guide and lead me in understanding of the scriptures.  I studied and studied and studied... I felt I had a lot of catching up to do having spent most of my life walking sideways down every wrong path imaginable.  The dreams from God are specific and eye opening.  They urged me to look here, and be cautious of that.  I honestly think God has to use dreams to speak to me because the only time I'm relaxed enough to hear him is when my conscious mind is shut off.  But he uses that avenue, and I am thankful.  He also utilizes my spiritual gut.  When something seems off or just not right, my gut signals me and I investigate.  I go through every doctrine this way.  My stomach gets a workout.  I think with my stomach.  Everything gets filtered through my stomach.  Some people think I'm talking about intuition.  I've always been "intuitive", but this is different.  

  Anyway, before I read the Bible I thought there were a lot of Christians.  After I read the Bible I wondered if there were any.  This is how profoundly eye opening the Bible is, and the reason I always encourage people to READ it!  The God that I read about in the Bible was SO different than the picture churchianity gives you.  I didn't want to criticize people, and criticize the churches, but this is God we're talking about!  This is important!  This is truth!  It's life or death.  When I look at the church, I see good, loving people, who kinda sorta care about God.  Kinda sorta care about truth.  Kinda sorta believe he will return someday and that his word is alive and active.  Kinda sorta... really?  Wow... I'm still trying to process this phenomenon, but regardless of what the flock does or doesn't do, I'm charging forward toward the truth that is narrow and knowing full well why few find it.  They don't even look!  

To this day, I have little interest in the world, and tremendous interest in truth.  Research is my life.  Once in a while family and friends force me to get out of my mind and have "fun" (love you guys).  My mom and I continue our debates, as there is a lot to discuss and ponder both within the Biblical sphere and the sphere of conspiracy (Satan's dominion).  We are all susceptible to deception, especially if we have not yet discovered the basic truth which is the reality that God is specific.  He is not subject to our imaginations.  He is real he is alive, and this is His world.  

I hope this story engages you, annoys you, pokes and prods you to seek higher understanding from above.

*In all honesty, I don't think I would have actually become of nun.  But I thank God he didn't allow me to make that fateful decision, especially knowing what I now know about the Catholic Church and what they do to nuns!  Sometimes we don't understand why we have the issues we have in our lives, but God does.  We need to trust that.  

*Sidenote about the house I lived in is that I actually bought it from a really nice hippy family thinking it had good energy.  They were environmentally friendly, non toxic naturalists who had this huge shrine in one of their bedrooms with all of the new age "ascended masters", Buddha, Krishna, incense, crystals.. you know.  I was still coming out of this stuff so it didn't bother me, and I still saw it as "good energy".  Well.. sometimes "good energy" can turn bad really fast.  I still wonder if the "energies" (spirits) in the house were literally being exorcised when I brought the Bible into the picture.  When I really started reading it and getting into it.  They put up a good fight, but LOST.

Disappointment of Gungor and a Dream

Last Thursday evening I went to Centennial to see a Gungor concert.  At one time Gungor was my favorite Christian band.  I knew they were doing some strange new things, but quite honestly, if you were looking for God at that concert.. he wasn't there.  It was weird.  It was sad.  It was disturbing, but what surprizes these days right?  Another Christian artist bites the dust.  Scratch them off the list.  

  That night we stayed in Centennial and I had this dream.  Rob and I were running barefoot with these 3 gallon water jugs.  I don't know where we were running to.  It seemed like we were on 37th St in Evans, between the 7-11 and my old house.  We went into a building that reminded me of the Atrium on Stuart St. In Fort Collins.  Inside the building we sat in waiting chairs.  I could see men in rooms with glass windows.  Like looking at people playing raquet ball.  The men in the rooms weren't playing raquet ball.  They were venting anger.  They were screaming, cussing, slamming the windows.  I heard and saw one man specifically.  He was spitting hatred while talking about Jihad.  I felt like he was looking right at me while spewing all manner of profanities.  I told Rob I needed to go soon because I felt like like a target as a Christian.  Like a cat in a room full of vicsious dogs.  I had a big wad of cash in my hand.  I stood up and just as I stood up the door to the room opened.  I sat down trying not to look obvious.  I thought of putting the cash in my pocket, but again didn't want to look obvious.  He comes up beside me (wearing all white garb and a white turbine).  He says "we're going to need to take your money, thank you".  In a very matter of fact way.  Surprizingly I pushed him away with my foot, and said why can't you just have a little bit?  I handed him some of the cash.  He was a big man and he was leaning all over me.  Next thing I knew I ran out, and was booking it, still barefoot.  I was glad I still had the cash because I didn't seem to have any other possessions.  Not even shoes!