When I graduated from high school I didn't have high aspirations. It wasn't from the drugs and crazy hippied out 60's peace love and psychedelic times I attempted to recreate (as some might assume;). Perhaps these experiences were instrumental in awakening my mind on levels that I cannot portray in words, but they didn't turn me into a burn out or anything. I already was the way I was. Looking around I saw that college (a lifestyle I had no interest in) paved the way for a myriad of jobs (I had no interest in) then ultimately led to marriage and baby making (which alas, I had no interest in). I had two interests, getting healthy through natural means as I was struggling with chronic fatigue and depression, and understanding the truth of my existence. I considered becoming an herbalist or a nun, but I didn't know if herbs worked and I didn't know God's identity. I didn't know if God was the God of Catholicism, Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam or metaphysics. Was he the God of New Ageism? Was he the God of all religions or was God even a consious thinking being? How could I know? Needless to say, I wasn't about to just flip the dice and make a decision. So I carried on researching health, trying different diets, herbs, and modalities for healing meanwhile searching for God on the side. Sometimes I'd think I'd figured it out, then the years would show me otherwise. Eventually, I came across raw foods and simultaneously found an amazing bioelectric acupuncturist. Really what she did was diagnose the weak areas of my body and give me homepathic combination formulas to move energies in those weak or congested areas. The combo of diet and remedies proved successful and I gradually scraped and grappled and pulled myself out of the hole I was in. My diet continued to evolve and so did my search for truth. I began drinking coffee and that helped exponentially! I continued to chop wood and carry water so to speak with my job, as financial well being didn't even register as a necessity for me untill I entered into my first encounter with a real relationship. I had only experienced sort of dysfunctional relationships prior to this, probably due to where I lived for one (a lack of diversity or like minded people) and for two I was just sort of "out there" compared to the "normality" of society. I didn't relate to people on the normal everyday level, and I wasn't into the standard bar scene or party lifestyle that typically defines ones early 20's. Luckily my partner was a good balance of being able to be "out there" with me and also be very grounded in the world. I knew I needed that influence and so we meshed and we continue to mesh to this day. I've definitely become more adaptable and learned how to relate to people on their level. I keep my distance from societal norms and consider my solitude my monestary. Although we did succumb to the normality of getting married it felt very foreign and weird to me. I still think it's weird to be "married" to someone. I guess I'm still "out there" in many ways but I've come to a peace of realising that I have always been in this world but never of it. I've realized the truth that God IS the God of the Bible, and that all of my previous thoughts about God bordered on attempting to creating God in my image, making him who I wanted him to be. All I can say is that it was a culmination of proofs that coincided on my behalf at the right time. I'm glad I never became a nun. I don't attend church regularly. I read the Bible. I talk to God daily. He speaks in dreams, and revelations and conscious downloads. I am aware of and accept my mortality, and trust that God will take me at my appointed time, but know how to take care of my body while I'm here. I guess I've come along way! I continue to evolve in my understanding of God's plan for all of us. I seek this understanding, clarity and discernment of truth with ferver. I need to go crazy sometimes. I can't fit into a box if I tried. I can't do what people are "suppose to do". I'm not a follower of anyone but the maker of the universe. I don't have complete peace in my soul but I long for it, which reminds me of the song:
