My Story: Annoyed to the Truth

  When I was 17 I thought of becoming a nun.  My reasons were strange.  It was not about a profound love of God, or even a knowledge of God.  It was about having no interest in the world.  I had absolutely zero interest in "higher education", getting a job, relationships, having kids or doing anything normal people do.  It was my deep love of solitude that attracted me to the idea of monastery life.  I didn't really know the difference between a Buddhist, or a Catholic monastery.  To me, it was all solitude and God was a presence encountered in solitude.  Lucky for me, God threw health issues at me to keep me occupied and away from thoughts of resigning from worldly life.  These health issues required attention.  I couldn't just ignore them and go on to live an ascetic life.. or, what I thought was an ascetic life (more on that later).  I explored all avenues of nutrition and natural healing modalities.  I studied herbs, homeopathy, tried acupuncture, Chinese medicine, chiropractic, osteopathy, bioelectric acupuncture, vegan, macrobiotic, rawfoods detox.. You name it I tried it.     Simultaneously, I studied all manner of Eastern philosophy, Buddhism, Zen, I Ching, practiced yoga (way before Madonna revolutionized it), read Living Buddha Living Christ, explored all manner of New Age thought.  Owned Eckhart Tolle tapes.. yes tapes, dated a guy who studied under Eckhart Tolle and made Eckhart Tolle his religion, attended metaphysical expos, got my aura read, sought advice from clairvoyants, went to angel seminars, dream workshops, got my "energy healed", went to Buddhist meditations, placed crystals on my chakras, meditated on "Christ" streams of consciousness (these had nothing to do with Christ), tried to astral project, took psychedelics, went through Landmark Education where I paid good money to learn that I am God, I control my destiny and to be encouraged to follow my passion, of which I could think of none.  Buddhism teaches non attatchement from passion and desire.  That was easy for me!  Chase passion.. I argued?  I attended three weeks at Optimal Health institute where I ate nothing but sprouts and juice fasted.  I received wheatgrass colonics... I mean, I explored it ALL.  I was seeking truth in health and truth in general, although I leaned heavy on Buddhist philosophy which teaches not to think, or strive for things.  It really emphasizes detachment (which I already had too much of) and embracing emptiness.  I went on like this, embracing emptiness for a long time (over a decade).  My mom had a religious rebirth, and started annoying me with talk of the Bible.  Anyone relate? ;;-).  I fought her.  We debated.  I'm a good debater, not because I throw the toughest punches, but because I throw the ones you don't expect.  She ultimately won because her argument was true, and unbeknownst to me, mine wasn't!  Truth always wins eventually.  She argued: Christ the savior of the world who ONLY saves those who believe on him, that he is the only way.  I argued: there are many ways.  Christ is a stream of consciousness.  God is in everything and everything is God.  She persisted in annoying me with movies, books and debates.  One day I was like 'ok God of the Bible.  If you're other than I think you are, and Jesus is the ONLY way and whoever doesn't believe in him is in fact condemned already, then make yourself real to me.'  I figured, I'd been knocking on Buddha's door for over a decade and he NEVER answered!  Not to mention, looking back, the emptiness was exactly what it sounds like... empty!  I felt a presence when I talked to God.  A convicting presence even, but I was a hard headed, heavily swayed in thought bull. Buddhism is an alluring copout religion because it's easy, requires nothing of you, and you can put as much or as little into it without any penalty.  You are basically God in training (they don't use that language, but looking back that's basically what it suggests).  You basically seek self realization until you realise that you are God, even if it takes lifetimes.  Christianity is the opposite.  You humble yourself before God, and He shows up pretty much immediately.     I had long given up the idea that dreams had any meaning.  I thought they were irrelevant and nonsensical. Shortly after that prayer I had a series of dreams, which were convicting and scary.  I knew it was God, and he was warning me that the path I was on was no good.  Basically, he was confirming that yes, He is other than I imagined.  I decided to read some of the Bible.  I started at the end, Revelation.  It freaked me out.  It was sobering and depressing.  This was 2011.  Life went on and I didn't pick up the Bible again until 2012, at the prodding of my mom.  She really wanted me to read it, and I wanted her to exercise, so we made a deal.  I would read if she would exercise for 30 days.  Boom.  She wanted me to read the New Testament but I objected.  I needed the whole story.  Not just the little pieces I'd heard here and there throughout my life that made no sense whatsoever.  I decided to listen to the OT on audio (Bible in 90 Days) because my lukewarm attention span found it difficult to read.  I listened and listened and listened... it's very long;-). I took notes the whole time, because I'm the type of person who is very thorough and needs to understand things from beginning to end.  I am like this in EVERY area.  Anyone who knows me knows this.  I'm also forgetful when it comes to names and numbers which the OT is heavy on.  I made it most of the way through the OT at this time.  My life was thrown into complete chaos at this period in my life.  The only way I can describe it looking back, is that I was being spiritually and emotionally exorcised.  It involved incredible strains on my relationship(s), entertaining alcoholics, drug addicts, theives and murderers, a house renovation turned chaotic money pit, everything that could break broke, family health and mental issues, finances, misunderstandings and drama with in laws.  A crazy divorce in which we all feared for our lives (not mine).  I know this is vague, but I kid you not, it was rough.  I kept thinking.. is God testing me?  It felt like he was throwing me around on some insane amusement park ride.  I guess this was his way of drawing me in and saying "come closer".  We moved out of necessity in 2013 and I finished the Bible.. yay!  Then I had more dreams, which helped guide and lead me in understanding of the scriptures.  I studied and studied and studied... I felt I had a lot of catching up to do having spent most of my life walking sideways down every wrong path imaginable.  The dreams from God are specific and eye opening.  They urged me to look here, and be cautious of that.  I honestly think God has to use dreams to speak to me because the only time I'm relaxed enough to hear him is when my conscious mind is shut off.  But he uses that avenue, and I am thankful.  He also utilizes my spiritual gut.  When something seems off or just not right, my gut signals me and I investigate.  I go through every doctrine this way.  My stomach gets a workout.  I think with my stomach.  Everything gets filtered through my stomach.  Some people think I'm talking about intuition.  I've always been "intuitive", but this is different.  

  Anyway, before I read the Bible I thought there were a lot of Christians.  After I read the Bible I wondered if there were any.  This is how profoundly eye opening the Bible is, and the reason I always encourage people to READ it!  The God that I read about in the Bible was SO different than the picture churchianity gives you.  I didn't want to criticize people, and criticize the churches, but this is God we're talking about!  This is important!  This is truth!  It's life or death.  When I look at the church, I see good, loving people, who kinda sorta care about God.  Kinda sorta care about truth.  Kinda sorta believe he will return someday and that his word is alive and active.  Kinda sorta... really?  Wow... I'm still trying to process this phenomenon, but regardless of what the flock does or doesn't do, I'm charging forward toward the truth that is narrow and knowing full well why few find it.  They don't even look!  

To this day, I have little interest in the world, and tremendous interest in truth.  Research is my life.  Once in a while family and friends force me to get out of my mind and have "fun" (love you guys).  My mom and I continue our debates, as there is a lot to discuss and ponder both within the Biblical sphere and the sphere of conspiracy (Satan's dominion).  We are all susceptible to deception, especially if we have not yet discovered the basic truth which is the reality that God is specific.  He is not subject to our imaginations.  He is real he is alive, and this is His world.  

I hope this story engages you, annoys you, pokes and prods you to seek higher understanding from above.

*In all honesty, I don't think I would have actually become of nun.  But I thank God he didn't allow me to make that fateful decision, especially knowing what I now know about the Catholic Church and what they do to nuns!  Sometimes we don't understand why we have the issues we have in our lives, but God does.  We need to trust that.  

*Sidenote about the house I lived in is that I actually bought it from a really nice hippy family thinking it had good energy.  They were environmentally friendly, non toxic naturalists who had this huge shrine in one of their bedrooms with all of the new age "ascended masters", Buddha, Krishna, incense, crystals.. you know.  I was still coming out of this stuff so it didn't bother me, and I still saw it as "good energy".  Well.. sometimes "good energy" can turn bad really fast.  I still wonder if the "energies" (spirits) in the house were literally being exorcised when I brought the Bible into the picture.  When I really started reading it and getting into it.  They put up a good fight, but LOST.

Disappointment of Gungor and a Dream

Last Thursday evening I went to Centennial to see a Gungor concert.  At one time Gungor was my favorite Christian band.  I knew they were doing some strange new things, but quite honestly, if you were looking for God at that concert.. he wasn't there.  It was weird.  It was sad.  It was disturbing, but what surprizes these days right?  Another Christian artist bites the dust.  Scratch them off the list.  

  That night we stayed in Centennial and I had this dream.  Rob and I were running barefoot with these 3 gallon water jugs.  I don't know where we were running to.  It seemed like we were on 37th St in Evans, between the 7-11 and my old house.  We went into a building that reminded me of the Atrium on Stuart St. In Fort Collins.  Inside the building we sat in waiting chairs.  I could see men in rooms with glass windows.  Like looking at people playing raquet ball.  The men in the rooms weren't playing raquet ball.  They were venting anger.  They were screaming, cussing, slamming the windows.  I heard and saw one man specifically.  He was spitting hatred while talking about Jihad.  I felt like he was looking right at me while spewing all manner of profanities.  I told Rob I needed to go soon because I felt like like a target as a Christian.  Like a cat in a room full of vicsious dogs.  I had a big wad of cash in my hand.  I stood up and just as I stood up the door to the room opened.  I sat down trying not to look obvious.  I thought of putting the cash in my pocket, but again didn't want to look obvious.  He comes up beside me (wearing all white garb and a white turbine).  He says "we're going to need to take your money, thank you".  In a very matter of fact way.  Surprizingly I pushed him away with my foot, and said why can't you just have a little bit?  I handed him some of the cash.  He was a big man and he was leaning all over me.  Next thing I knew I ran out, and was booking it, still barefoot.  I was glad I still had the cash because I didn't seem to have any other possessions.  Not even shoes!  

The Perfect Church: Music

So.. I've never been a super "churchie" person as an adult.  Growing up, I went to a Luthern school and church early on.  Later, we moved, enrolled in public school (not my choice) and stopped going to church all together.  Some of my new neighbors attended church, and they always welcomed all the kids in the neighborhood to join, so my good friend Kaydee and I went once in a while.  It was a Baptist church.  I had many different friends growing up and would often accompany them and their family to church on Sundays.  I remember all different kinds of churches, including Catholic, and I enjoyed them all.  I remember the old buildings, the smell of coffee and the calm reverent atmosphere that usually pervaded a church.  I remember Bibles and hymn books in the pews and singing out of those books to a piano, organ or choir.  As a teenager, I definitely explored my rebellious side and attended concerts almost every weekend.  I've always had a profound love for good music, and a discerning ear.  Good music has the power to move, enhance, transcend, uplift, acknowledge, comfort and even educate (for better or worse;-)  After many years of concert going and music worshipping, I stepped back.  I really didn't know who I was.  I went through a depression.  My health was suffering.  I would say, this period was the dark night of my soul, and it lasted way too long.  I couldn't even function in the normal world because I was obsessed with understanding myself, the reason for existence and I was searching the different alternative healing paths.  During this time, my sister and brother in law invited us to their church in Fort Collins.  I believe it was Faith Evangelical Free church.  They really thought I would like the contemporary music (loud rock bands with amplification) that was just being introduced into the churches.  I was receptive at the time, because I was somewhat lost, but I found it somewhat overwhelming and had no desire to go back.  If they thought that was anything like the music I was used to dancing to all night they were way off;-)  Anyway, 10 or so years later, here I am finally an actual Christian.  By the way, I am not a Christian because of any church influence, doctrine, the simple gospel or anything of that nature.  I became a Christian after hearing about the book Heaven is for Real, reading Akiane Kremaric's book, watching Foolishness-the Skate Bible, LONG lectures and annoying (at the time) debates with my mom, and at last, READING THE BIBLE.  Even though I had been an on and off church goer throughout my life, that never did it for me.  In some ways, looking back, I feel like all of the endless activities of the churches were distractions for me.  I know the churches try to create that family atmosphere, but a lot of those activities are pretty mindless and silly.  This brings us to today.  I'm still an on and off church goer.  Since it wasn't the church that brought me to God, the church is kind of in the background for me.  BUT, recently I've been reminded of the importance of joining together with other believers.  The churches are often involved in good causes and it's good to be a part of those things (as long as they're meaningful).  

This brings us to the topic at hand.  Which church?  I have profound issues with so many things about the churches.  For instance, the fact that they celebrate the pagan holidays.  This is HUGE for me.  It doesn't take high spiritual discernment to know these holidays are pagan based.  Why do we keep them pagan?  Why not admit that Jesus birth date is, was, and shall remain a mystery instead of celebrating it with the pagan traditions of Saturnalia?  Why confuse the resurrection of Jesus at Passover with the pagan fertility traditions of Ishtar (Easter)?  Why try and justify Halloween?  It is a Satanic holiday, and the fact that the Catholic Church tried to play it off as holy is a perversion of truth.  Protestants ALL continue to promote these lies as truth.  Deep breath...

Second.. I loath contemporary worship music.  That's not to say that I dispise all modern Christian music.  There are a few artists here and there, a few songs here and there that I can qualify as edifying.  I think there is a large group of believers who prefer the contemporary concert style setting of Christian worship music, as evidenced by it's prevalence in the churches, but there are those of us, and I can see it on the faces and body gestures of those like myself who loath every second of it, praying for it to be over.  The thoughts in my head: Please God, let this be the last song, I can't go on, this is torture.  Now, pastors like to address the issue of people complaining about the music as such.  1)  It's not about the music.  It's about worshipping God.  My response:  If it's not about the music then why did nearly every church across America invest hundreds of thousands (I'm guessing it's in the millions) in electric music, sound boards, amplification, acoustics... (fyi: as a music person I can tell you this stuff is exPENsive!) in the early 2000's?  If it's not about the music, why is it ALWAYS contemporary Christian pop/rock and not, say Christian rap, jazz, metal, folk, bluegrass or country?  If it's not about the music, then why did it ever change in the first place?  Was it to attract more people to the church by becoming more secular?  Or was it that a lot of people were expressing concerns and complaints about wanting a different kind of music in the church?  Does the new music allow these listeners to get more "into" worship?  This brings me to numero 2)  They guilt you.  If you don't like it, it is dishonoring to God.  There's something wrong in your heart.  You should want to worship.  My response:  I really struggled with this.  Is there something wrong with me?  Should I be enjoying this?  Is it possible to enjoy this?  Short answer, for me: no!  

I was introduced to the music of The Brilliance.  I loved it.  I thought.  Why do I love this and hate other Christian music?  There is a reason, and that is that not all music is created equally;;-)  Some music is really music and some music just sucks.  Of course, this is relative to the listener.  Another thing about me.  I like REAL.  Real people, Real music with Real instruments, Real authentic prayer, Real food, Real truth,  Realness on every level.  I also want a Real God.  I want the Ancient, Holy, Everlasting, Never Changing, God of the Bible.  Not the commercial, corny, silly, watered down God that is often portrayed.  I don't need a God relevant to modern society.  I want God as he was, is and will be forever.  Music expresses so many things on so many levels.  It is impossible to grasp the entirety of it's influence on the listener.  Music speaks telepathically in ways we understand without words.  Music is important, and for me, the music spoken to and representing God is as important as the message spoken in the sermon.    

So anyway, there is a solution.. to the music problem anyway.  Hurray!  I need to go to the traditional service.  Many churches still offer a traditional service. TG for the traditional service!  I like pianos and organs and choirs and orchestral music.  I love old things, vintage things, ancient things.  I love the sound of an old, unpolished, rusty piano.  These sounds speak to my heart.  I don't have to resist them.  I don't have to pretend I don't hate them.  I can love them.  Is it about me?  No.  But it's about being real.  Being honest.  People seem to have many definition of religion.  Everyone seems to have a bad connotation of the word.  For me, "religion" is doing things other people think you should do, even though your heart hates them.  It's doing things not out of your heart.  Doing things begrudgingly.  So, if worship through music is important, loving the music is also important.  Amen?  Sigh... ... A messianic or Hebrew roots teaching church is ultimately what I'm looking for, but I guess I'll just have to wait to have it ALL.  

Ps.  It is not my intention to speak against modern music, and if anyone truly loves that style of music, my opinion shouldn't dull their experience of it.  As my husband says "you're the opposite of everyone".  It's true.  But there is always a little remnant group of fellow opposites.  Those are my peeps I guess;-)  Carry on!

The Brilliance: Prayers of the People

Pps.. It's also worth mentioning that there's a lot of Christian music I do like.  All different styles even.  I just don't like that the church bands attempt to mimic the original, but usually end up sounding really really bad.  Like when your 10 year old begins violin lessons bad.  Like the worst cover band ever with the most amplification ever bad.  I'm going to stop here..

I Wonder When Noah Gave Up

  I've had two recurring thoughts lately.  The first is, when did man give up on God?  The second, is based on my cynical/reality based interpretation of the world.  That is, I wonder at what point Noah gave up on the people?  The arc took Noah100 years to build.  People assume he was preaching to the people around him, although there's no Biblical evidence to prove this.  I think we just assume that, because Noah spoke with God, and knew the fate of the world, that he would've tried to warn people, but NOBODY listened.  Not one.  At what point do you think he just said "screw em'"?  I mean, really?  There is a passage in Jeremiah where God tells Jeremiah not to even pray for these people!  They were beyond prayer or help!  That blows my mind, but at the same time, I can totally see why.  I feel like everyone is unreachable, unteachable  and untouchable these days.  I feel like Noah and his family.  I have 100% confidence in God's word, and it can't be shaken.  But the world?  The world is like the Pharoah of Egypt.  They need to be  humbled by the hand of God.  I've heard many Hebrew Roots teachers saying "warn Christians about not participating in Halloween, it's a pagan and a satanic holiday".  And I completely agree, but people just use this stuff as more ammo to hate God.  "God just doesn't want us to have fun".  It just makes them want to rebel further.  At least the Israelites repented of worshipping the golden calf when Moses rebuked them!  People today?  No hope.  So, I'm seeking God about this, and battling my inner cynic.  Is there hope for humanity?  It is up to Him... 

The truth of it is that I feel for anyone who doesn't have God in their life, but if they can't recognize that need there's little anyone can do to help them.  I might give up on the world, but I'll never give up on God.  Here is a link to my music mix on youtube  http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLfglOLiQStR7dDuFAw_vFRPmTZlXxx2O_

Further from them... closer to Him;-). 

Old Me.. New Me, Politics and Transformation

  Seven years ago I voted for president Obama.  I was SO excited.  I had a party to celebrate.  I had so much hope in the renewal of the world, the earth and humanity.  I used to hear republicans call Obama the antichrist (I didn't know anything about the antichrist) and thought they just hated good people.  I actually thought they hated everything that (I thought) was good.  Women's right to choose (abortion), climate change reform.  I thought they wanted to destroy the planet.  I bashed Fox news because I thought they were the only biased news channel, hah!  I thought they hated immigrants, homosexuals and poor people. I supported gun control, afterall guns kill people right?  I honestly didn't care if Obama was Christian or Muslim.  I thought, as long as he cares about the planet, I like him.  He defends the oppressed, believes in healthcare for all who need it.  He's just a good guy!  The old me would have hated the new me for questioning whether we should take Muslim immagrants.  To me, religion was religion and they all had the same goal.  I was clueless.  Never in my WILDEST dreams would I have thought I would change my views on any of these issues.  I mean, I considered myself to be a good person because I cared about the welfare of all people.  I was SO set in my beliefs about woman's right to choose I would flip off church protesters.  I'm not even kidding.  I actually flipped off church protesters at the church I now attend! Shhh.. don't tell them;;-). I was a HARD CORE leftist.  More of a democrat than a liberal though.  I never embraced the anarchic anything goes philosophy.  

  

   I'm not going to tell you that God flipped a switch in my hard headed head and suddenly I woke up conservative.  Being a Christian isn't about being a political conservative.  That's not what this post is about.  It is about God's ability to effect positive change in a person.  His ability to completey change your mind about things.  His ability to make you see things you never would have seen before.  His ability to transform.  Am I a finished masterpiece?  Far from it!!  I am a work in progress if ever there was one.  I'm not "there" but I'm getting there.  I still have a tendency toward anxiety.  I get extremly angry about certain things.  I admire people who can turn the other cheek, but I really want to stand and fight (especially with words).  I have a sharp tongue that is excruciatingly difficult to tame. I enjoy verbal swordplay a little too much.  I don't have any real enemies, but if I did could I love them truly?  I don't know.  He's working on me in those areas.  

 

  The fact is, is that the elections are coming up and I see things differently this time around.  Granted I'm not excited about any of the canididates, but my views are FAR from where they used to be.  I no longer see republicans as enemy and demacrats as friend.  I question everyone.  I question every issue, and see that it has two sides.  I would NEVER in a million years vote for an atheist, a potential Muslim, or a socialist!  I would never vote for a candidate who doesn't acknowledge the importance of supporting Israel as a basic tenet of survival for this country.  Even I am amazed at my thoughts!  I'm like.. really?  I'm thinking this now?  Crazy!  Left leaning readers probably see it as a change for the worse, and honestly, the old me gets it;-). I totally understand where you're coming from, because I just came from there.  

 

   The thing is though, that God's thoughts are not our thoughts, and his ways are not our ways.  When we tune into Him, he reprograms us.  He gives us new eyes and new ears to see and hear in ways we never thought possible, or probable.  I can't explain it.  My only mission is to point people to the truth, which lies in the Words of God.  The Bible.  The truth will set us all free, eventually.

Dream: Microchip

I had a dream about a week ago.  I was going to a new bible study.  As I was walking in I recognized a guy who was waiting for me.  I asked him "are you the hebrew roots guy"?  He kind of laughed at me and I smacked him on the arm (in a joking way) for making fun of me:-0. We went in, and were listening.  Next thing I remember was being in this room with an overweight Italian lady who was kissing me on the cheeks emphatically (picture a very expressive Italian lady?).  She almost smothered me.  When she was done I realized she had inserted something in my arm.  It was a microchip!  She told me if I took it out I would die.  I was panicked, knowing if I stayed I was with a psycho, and if I left I still had this microchip with no way to get it out.  I ran out the door.  Suddenly I was carrying my cat and running to my car.  I was in the country, and I was looking for a white Subaru.  A car I had for about two years after high school.  

When I woke up I thought it was weird that I was looking for a car I owned over a decade ago, but I was carrying my current cat?  I immediately thought about how the Antichrist will use flattery to get people to worship him and take the mark of the beast.  The fact that she was Italian made me think of the Pope, who is a very likely candidate for the false prophet.  The fact that the microchip was inserted without my knowledge or consent was VERY concerning.  Taking the "mark" is the most forbidden thing anyone can do.  I don't know what else to say. 

Be A Wall

  Every human is a universe within a universe.  All unique in perspective. Every day has a beginning and an end.  Every night is full of discovery.  Time moves shapes and shift the universal mirror, echoing endless possibilities within.  I have no time for grudges or enemies.  What a way to spend the mind!  The map in the stars points to the one vying for recognition.  His decress being difficult to percieve. Interpretations galore! He says "here I am"!  Speak to me now.  I am listening...